Transformation Tuesday: Week 64

For me, there's nothing worse than the feeling of total helplessness and overwhelming panic that my head seems to default to whenever I start to minutely veer off track. It doesn't take much to make me believe that I'm going to drown in my head and that there's no conceivable way out of the abyss - it's my fault that I feel like this (I've failed again) and I deserve to suffer. However, as awful as I felt last week in the throes of a complete meltdown, I think I needed it in order to push my head back in the right direction.

By no means am I cured and fully back in the game today. I'm still on shaky ground and feel like I'm constantly fighting triggers all around me that have the power to nudge me over a cliff at any moment and into a horrid spiral once more. The difference to last week, though, is that I've rediscovered my confidence and believe that I can battle whatever comes by way and ultimately succeed. It might take a little while to do so, but I know I can get there.

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Last week's wobble was terrible but served as a reminder of how far I've come and how resilient I am. If I've faced worse demons in the past and won then I have no excuse not to tackle this one head on and come out victorious.

A week ago I said that I just needed to make it to the weekend and everything would be okay, and I was sort of right. By Saturday I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe a little easier. The thought of 3 days away with work nearly tipped me over the edge but they ended up being exactly what the doctor ordered. Literally and figuratively leaving my problems behind in Cheshire to explore the Netherlands with one of my favourite people came at exactly the right time, and forcibly being distracted for three days in a foreign country gave me the opportunity to properly clear my head. It's as if my priorities are back in order, my motivation is recharged and I'm no longer staring up at a blockade the size of the Wall in Game of Thrones with nothing to scale it but a blunt pickaxe and a metre of rope while an onslaught of White Walkers approach.

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It's funny how my head's flipped so quickly in such a short space of time, but equally pretty worrying. I don't like how I can experience dizzying highs of pure happiness only to be hurled into darkness at the drop of a hat, convinced that I'm never going to get better. Surely you're not supposed to yo-yo like this quite so dramatically?

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As a result of being all over the place this week - geographically and not just mentally - I've ended up having another week off the 90 Day SSS Plan. I meant to plan Cycle 2 at the weekend but instead spent it curled up with an enormously swollen foot and a pack of ibuprofen, so was pretty useless! I'm thinking of trying a few days of Cycle 1 this week to get back into the swing of it before starting Cycle 2 next Monday now, but I'm not entirely sure. I've lost my way and need to bite the bullet and get started again as soon as possible before I fall off the wagon completely. I'm starting to feel sluggish despite bizarrely thinking I'm thinner than ever so I desperately need to stop faffing around and do something productive! I feel like I'm in a position to focus on my weight/shape now, and as I have very little holding me back at this exact moment in time I see no reason not to push forwards. Any advice/tips on how to proceed would be appreciated!

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I'm not quite where I want to be with my head but at least I'm getting there. Last week's overwhelming negativity is steadily going and I'm starting to feel like myself again which can only be a good thing. No-one said this was going to be easy, and as long as I don't let bumps like this derail me completely then I think I'll be okay. Onwards and upwards.