I've had much better weeks in the past that have really concerned people when I've written about them, so I'm a little uncomfortable going into too much detail about the current state of my head for fear of unnecessarily worrying anyone...
As much as I tried to sugar-coat it, the results last week hit me really hard and as the week progressed they've just got me more and more upset. I intended to be good, following cycle 1 while I waited for cycle 2 to come through, but I haven't even touched my 90 Day SSS plan once. I've not suddenly gone off the rails and had takeaways and chocolate for every meal, but I've had lots of caffeine, resorted to cereals for breakfast again, and stopped cooking full meals from scratch. I've not eaten much at all: I'm almost scared of food and my head keeps defaulting to the position of 'food got you into this mess, so leave it alone now before you get any worse'.
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LighterLife taught me that my issues with food have always been a result of a more serious, underlying problem, and that if I work towards fixing that then everything else will fall into place much easier around it. Eating poorly, barely exercising (I've done nothing aside from two 2-hour power walks at the weekend) and not sleeping are clearly indications that something's not right. This week has confirmed what I've been fearing for a while: I'm not as strong and 'fixed' as I thought I was. I've felt the pull of my head for a while but instead opted to coast along, push through and try to remain upbeat all while ignoring what was actually wrong. I haven't felt down like I used to, I haven't been cancelling plans for no conceivable reason, and I haven't been binging so I've been taking that as a sign that I'm okay. However, I've steadily become more and more overwhelmed, withdrawn and exhausted to the point that I've been pretty useless for the last few days, in a constant state of panic and practically on the verge of tears.
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Continually telling myself not to have an anxiety attack and/or run to the nearest supermarket and secretly play supermarket sweep has taken so much energy recently that I think it's almost making it worse. Talking myself out of bad behaviour is yet another thing to add to my ridiculous to-do list and as such I've been going round and round in circles in my head and getting absolutely nowhere.
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Basically, my head is betraying me at the moment and as a result I'm treating my body awfully. My weight and my head go hand in hand, and when I'm in this sort of state there's not a chance in hell I have the ability to progress positively with both at the same time. Thus I'm choosing to sort my head out, and will deal with my weight next week. Another 7 days off plan won't hurt if it means I can get myself together and as long as I don't give in to the voice in my head telling me to binge then I think I'm onto a winner. This is the thin end of the wedge, and I'm worried that if I don't take the necessary steps now to turn this around I'll end up back at a place I don't want to be. On the upside, at least I'm recognising when my head's being annoying and can alter my actions accordingly before it's too late. I may still not understand quite why I worry about certain things to the point where I can't function properly or why the thought of particular scenarios has me shaking, but I know I don't have to let them destroy me.
I just need time (which I don't have this week, arghh); Captain America; a cup of tea the size of my head and my favourite fluffy pink socks: I know everything will be okay.
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