Transformation Tuesday: Week 62

This week I completed Cycle 1 of the 90 Day SSS, and to say I have mixed feelings about it would be a bit of an understatement.

First thing's first (I'm the realest), as far as cold, hard figures are concerned this month has been an enormous disappointment. I sort of knew I wasn't going to have the dramatic 4 week results that The Body Coach's Instagram page is practically drowning in as I think my metabolism is still all over the place and not behaving in the most effective way for weight loss. However, I was still really hoping for some kind of progress, and maybe a hint that my body had been kickstarted into a transformation again by these excessive amounts of spinach, frustratingly short HIIT sessions and weird powder supplements. I've stuck to the plan as best I can, and while I've not approached it with the all-or-nothing mentality I associated with LighterLife, I've surprised myself by having the same level of self control around food and I like to think that when life's temporarily got in the way of the programme I've made pretty good choices over the last 4 weeks.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/finallyaliveafter25)

It's with this in mind that I'm struggling to remain upbeat. I submitted my results yesterday morning (in order to receive the next cycle of the plan) and promptly had a mini meltdown while hidden away in the kitchen furiously whisking Swiss meringue for my GBBO Spanische Windtorte. I've lost 1lb and 1" off my waist in 4 weeks. That's it. No other measurements have changed at all, despite my jeans being looser and my fitness levels improving. I know I set myself stupidly high expectations, and I know that I still - despite my best efforts not to - put way too much pressure on myself with these things, but this really, really upset me. I lost more stagnating on LighterLife! I'm not going to lie: the overwhelming thought on a constant loop in my head was "why bother?".

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I don't want to sound pathetic, but it feels extraordinarily unfair. I genuinely hate that I'm still not where I need to be, I hate that I'm still on a diet, and more than anything I hate that I can't allow myself to accept my current weight/shape and just live my life accordingly. Constantly striving for something better (and probably unachievable) is becoming exhausting, and it's in moments like this that I want nothing more than to stop. Stop having faith in the weight loss system, stop criticising my appearance constantly and stop being strong about it all. I know I can't throw in the towel like that - and I definitely won't - but still, it'd be nice to have a guilt-free day off from this whole palaver at some point and see where it takes me.

Maybe I'm not meant to be slim, and maybe that's not a bad thing?

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)

If I'm being honest though, that's a fact I flat-out refuse to believe mainly because my brain just can't compute how I could ever be truly happy as I am now. I have so much respect and admiration for people that are genuinely comfortable in their own skin - no matter what they weigh - as I have no idea how that feels. I've said it time and time again that I know everything won't magically slot into place when I reach a specific size/weight but at the same time it'd be comforting to think that when I do get there hopefully some of my insecurities - the superficial ones solely tied to obesity - will disappear. As that weight gets simultaneously closer and further away it's really hard to cling to the idea that things might get better, and it's becoming easier to listen to the tiny voice in my head saying that this might be as good as it'll ever get. It feels like I'm resigning myself to settle for mediocre - look, I've failed again! - and as a hideously insecure overachiever I simply cannot let that happen. I know that logically there's nothing wrong with me now, and if a total stranger was the exact same weight/size as me and happy about it then I'd be thrilled for them, but for some unknown reason I can't seem to let myself be okay with me at the moment.

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I suppose it's a good thing that this week I'm in a limbo between cycles. As you wait for the next one to land in your inbox you're supposed to continue with Cycle 1, but I've decided to loosen the reins a little and take a breather. I'm going to loosely stick to the plan, but not be so strict on the portion sizes (I'm shrinking them: spinach and I need to have a break) and maybe switch up the HIIT sessions. I've done 5 a week as instructed since I started, but I've really not enjoyed them. I don't understand how they're supposed to be so effective! I do the whole working flat out for 20 minutes thing, but 10 minutes later it feels like I haven't done anything at all. I've had to modify them this week anyway as physio on my back has meant burpees and mountain climbers were temporarily off limits, but I might try the BBG again for a week just to get my fitness mojo back. I loved that, both in terms of the structure and the exercises themselves, so going back to it might help to nudge my head back in the game and in better shape once more. Plus, crazy intense cardio and loose skin is ridiculously painful, so a week of a lower intensity exercise regime would be lovely.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com)

So that's where I'm at now! I was going to post comparison pictures but as nothing's changed there didn't seem much point. I fully intend on doing the next cycle and pushing forward, so don't think that the mildly negative paragraphs above have signalled that I'm packing it all in. Writing everything down each week is more cathartic than you can imagine, and combined with pep talks and cheering up from three close friends yesterday (who all basically said exactly the same thing independently of each other) my head's well on its way to being back to normal. This is just a tiny wobble in a miniature storm: I'm feeling much better and upbeat already, and that's not just because I've had Taylor Swift on repeat for the last hour...