Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Transformation Tuesday: Week 50

Well, I think we can all agree that writing a post when in the middle of an intense meltdown wasn't my brightest idea last week...

It's probably abundantly clear by now, but this whole palaver hasn't been easy. I've made no effort to hide this (although I have glossed over the truly awful parts), and there have been weeks - months - where I've struggled more than I ever thought I would. Along the way I've succumbed to the odd meltdown, but to be honest they've always been about something else entirely, and it's been stepping on the scales or something small and LighterLife related that eventually tipped me over the edge. As difficult and challenging this "journey" has been, I've never let it be the sole thing to upset me to the point where I couldn't cope - I've always been able to see a faint glimmer of the light at the end of the tunnel and that's pushed me to keep going no matter what.

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Last week's result on the scales just about finished me off and I temporarily shut down for a couple of days in shock. The last time I experienced an episode as bad as this was at university, and I've been really good over the past 12 months at keeping my head in check and making sure I didn't chase the rabbit and totally lose myself in the process. I spectacularly failed in this respect last week and well and truly let the destructive and self-loathing part of my head take the wheel. For most of Tuesday and Wednesday I completely shut myself off from the world, pretending like everything was okay at work but hiding as soon as I got home, talking to no-one and drowning in my head. The last time this happened this badly - just before graduation - I angrily and blindly went nuts in my local Waitrose and ate my way out of feeling numb, lost and miserable beyond measure; but this time I went the opposite way and ate nothing. The thought of food sent me into a panicked, shaking spiral: as far as I could see food was what got me into this mess in the first place so going near it now would be the worst possible scenario.

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By Thursday I'd watched Captain America: Winter Soldier and You've Got Mail more times than I could count and spent so long mulling over Monday's weigh in that I was finally starting to make headway. While it'd be lovely to have an explanation as to why I put on quite so much weight, to a certain extent it (kind of) makes sense. From what I can tell, it's mostly down to the exercise. I'm now doing so much more than I ever have with the BBG, and while I'm definitely burning fat I'm also building muscle (I can physically see places with less flab and I now have muscle definition in certain areas). The scales might say one thing but progress pictures are telling a completely different story, and I think that at this stage that's more important, particularly as my fitness improves. I don't see any point wasting my energy concerned about a number when I look and feel so much better than before.

Aside from a few lost days, I fasted for a couple and ate healthily on the others as normal. I also carried on with the BBG - so far so good - and have managed to half the time it takes me to do the week 1 circuits (they're repeated in week 3) without realising, so clearly something's working! I sort of spent the week on autopilot, not really paying any specific attention to my diet/exercise but putting all my effort into straightening my head out again.

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Apologies if I worried anyone over the last week. I became so used to dealing with these sorts of meltdowns on my own and in secret at university that I never really appreciate how alarming and out of character others might find my actions when I'm being so open about it. It's been a pretty alien experience having people know I'm in trouble, but the texts/phonecalls/emails helped more than you'll ever know. Also, the fact that I managed to pull myself back to normality within a week shows just how far I've come and how determined I am not to let my head beat me any more. Yay me?

Before I forget: I lost 1.5lbs this week. The plan is to keep exercising, and to stick to the 5.2 with maybe tighter boundaries on the real food days. Other than that, it's business as usual.

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It's been an exhausting 7 days - and I am totally drained mentally and physically - but I'm so pleased I've weathered this storm. It's a huge personal victory: bring on the next challenge.

WEEK 49 LOSS: 1.5lbs
TOTAL LOSS: 75.5lbs // 5st 5.5lbs

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