Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Transformation Tuesday: Week 20

In my head I'm still being mature about weight loss - in the sense that any loss is a positive thing - and given the fact that I'm not entirely sure how long this mindset is going to last I'm going to enjoy it.

This week I lost 1lb.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.townandcountryeventrentals.com)

I'm not going to say only 1lb, as even though it might not be as much as I'd like to have lost it's still a loss, and that's a really, really good thing. I'm not going to attribute words such as 'should' or 'must' to this weight loss as it's pretty clear now that it's going to take a little bit longer than the mental spreadsheet I pretended not to plan twenty weeks ago mapped out. That's not a bad thing. As long as I don't throw in the towel and instead keep going then there is no problem.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.facebook.com/elleuk)

I'm still struggling.

My resolve is starting to waver as Christmas creeps closer - it's my favourite time of the year and as the world is bombarded with adverts for gingerbread lattes and mince pies I'm really resenting being on the LighterLife programme. I don't even really like mince pies or any specific Christmas treats, and although I've always loved the smell of the themed coffees in Starbucks I've never been keen on the taste. I think it's purely because I can't have any of it that I want it, even though I know I don't actually like any of it. In reality I'm missing out on absolutely nothing, but annoyingly I feel really hard done by this season. I'm aware that makes no sense!

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.wifflegif.com)

Last week's 4lb loss really spurred me on this week and I finally took the step to go through my wardrobe and completely clear it out. One of the things I keep forgetting to do is look back at how far I've come instead of focussing on how far I have to go. Trying on every single thing in my wardrobe was an obvious step to see just how much I've lost. It's all well and good having the evidence on the scales but seeing it in a dress (or two) that now billows like a tent and a jacket that hangs off my shoulders really, really helps. I think I've finally accepted that I've dropped 3 dress sizes since July. Keeping clothes that used to fit because buying new ones seemed like an unnecessary expense is a ridiculous thought process, and by throwing away the clothes I lived in for 2 years I'm forcing myself to address my new size.

I'm now the smallest I've been since the end of my first year of university, when everything - both in terms of weight and life in general - went rapidly tumbling downhill.

(Mini-progress shot as instructed by my LighterLife Counsellor, just under 4 stone in difference: uncomfortable and at breaking point on my birthday in June this year // in a coat I haven't been able to wear since Christmas 2012 at the London Film Festival in October)

I can count on one hand the amount of times I went shopping for new clothes, and I've lived in ill-fitting outfits (getting increasingly too tight) instead of having to suffer the humiliation of publicly looking for something - anything - that fits. I spent all of my teenage years unable to buy clothes at normal shops and I think after a year of finally being able to walk into a high street store (following a 4 stone weight loss in my gap year) and find something to wear I was terrified to actually face reality and potentially discover that was no longer an option for me: I was back at square one. There's no getting away from the fact that I've buried my head in the sand - something I found ridiculously easy as I never challenged myself to buy new clothes and the ones I chose were always loose-fitting anyway, which easily accommodated a weight gain.

Well, not anymore. All huge clothes are out of my wardrobe and either in the bin or in bags for the charity shop, and the smaller clothes I bought at the end of the summer while my student card was still valid now fit perfectly. Without the bigger sizes to fall back on there's no way I can gain the weight back without giving myself an immediate harsh reality check. The main point here though is I don't want to gain the weight back, and I have no intention of ever being that size again. Looking through old pictures (of which there are very few from the last few years) I can remember so, so clearly how miserable I felt in each outfit, how depressing shopping for clothes was, and how much I wished I could fade into the background and not draw attention to myself. I never want to feel that same way again, and for me having a huge clear out not only removes a sartorial safety-net but also draws a line under the horribly negative and self-destructive body image I had throughout university.

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.twentysomethingsproblems.tumblr.com) 

All of my problems haven't suddenly disappeared with a couple of bin bags and finally zipping up a skirt I'd previously lost all hope of ever wearing again. I still have a long way to go. However, I've simply acknowledged that I'm no longer the person I was before and I've put in so much effort over the last few months to improve both my body and my head that I deserve to be pleased with the weight loss, happier with my reflection and inspired to keep going. Hiding in a corner and ignoring a weight gain because my clothes still fit (even if they're ridiculously tight) and I'm "always meant to be big and miserable" just isn't an option anymore. Not on my watch.

WEEK 19 LOSS: 1lb
TOTAL LOSS: 53.5lbs // 3st 11.5lbs

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