Due to the Bank Holiday there was no LighterLife session last night, so going by my scales at home I'm maintained this week.
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
That's a lovely result, if that's what I was aiming for... In the long term I'd be overjoyed by a result like that, but right now it's a little frustrating. I'm not going to let it get me down though: at least I'm eating real food and not putting weight on? Let's be honest, it could be an awful lot worse.
I've struggled with the fasting part of the 5:2 this week though, mainly because I just didn't want to do it. I don't mind the taste of the LighterLife packs and right now it makes sense for me to pursue this plan of attack while I work out exactly how I'd like to progress, but no part of me wanted to fast this week. I did my two days as intended but really resented them and struggled enormously on each day. My main dilemma with the 5:2 is that I'm torn between the all-or-nothing side of my head that tells me I made a choice to do this diet and I must stick to it no matter what, and the grey-area side that says that I'm not beholding to anyone and if I don't want to fast for a week I don't have to. I know I'm not going to binge or eat tonnes of crap, so what's the problem?
I think I'm starting to go down the dangerous route of immediately thinking I'm a failure if I deviate from the plan. Yes, I could forgo the fasting days for a week and just eat healthily instead - and there's 100% nothing wrong with that at all - but I can't mute the voice in my head that says if I went down that path I'd be failing. Again. After all, it's only 2 days of fasting, and I did 7 days a week for months on end so this should be easy peasy. However, for some ridiculous and unknown reason it's not and I'm not entirely sure how to handle that. While my head's in the game overall - and in it for the long haul lifestyle change - I'm slightly concerned that I've been knocked off track this last week. It's only tiny, but my heart's just not in it in the way it should be and I'm annoyingly not giving it my all at the moment. I can't really explain how, but I've noticed a difference particularly in the little things: I drink less water, I'm not doing all of my exercise apps in the evening and instead just one or two, and I'm not planning meals properly. They're not major actions that would derail me completely but for someone who's still blogging about losing weight and trying to change my life it's not exactly exemplary behaviour.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.twitter.com/elleuk)
Is that a bad thing, though? To be honest, once again I think I'm striving for perfection and an unattainable target that I'll never be able to reach. I'm literally setting myself up for failure. As my birthday and the one year mark for these posts approaches I'm becoming more and more critical of myself and my performance, convincing myself that I haven't lost enough, that my physical transformation isn't drastic enough and that I'm not moving forwards quick enough. This is total rubbish! I don't have to have lost a certain amount of weight by July, and the fact that I'm already five stone lighter should be good enough but in my head it's not.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com)
I don't really know what to do going forwards. I know I could tighten my boundaries and be a lot stricter on myself in the coming week, but right now I just don't want to. I can't work out whether I just need to bite the bullet, stop faffing, get a grip and get on with it; or to stop being so hard on myself, take a step back and reevaluate. As much as I'd love a break from panicking about food I don't know if I should allow myself one at all. Can I afford to drop the ball for a week or two before picking it up with a vengeance? Does it make me a bad person if I do?
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.heckyeahreactiongifs.tumblr.com)
Eugh, decisions, decisions! Sorry this all sounds so pathetic, I'm just not entirely sure what to do...
WEEK 44 LOSS: --
TOTAL LOSS: 76.5lbs // 5st 6.5lbs
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