Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Transformation Tuesday: Week 43

I'm backkkkkkk!

Once again I showcased my unrivalled talent for panicking prematurely and successfully convincing myself the world's about to end. In all honesty, I felt so down this time last week and probably the most demoralised and demotivated since I started this "journey". I can acknowledge the bigger picture till the cows come home, and I've definitely mastered the art of constantly reassuring the world that I'm completely fine and moving forwards with my head held high and a smile on my face while inside I'm having a minor panic attack. The fact remains though, that no matter how hard I try gains like last week's still really, really get to me.

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However, the flood of texts/emails I received after the post went live was utterly astonishing, and clearly worrying about admitting gaining 8lbs was a ridiculous course of action. Surprise, surprise: you all seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear - at exactly the right moment - giving my motivation a kick up the backside and helping to nudge me back on track. I don't really know why you all continue to have so much faith in me and believe so strongly that I'll succeed, but if I can absorb a tenth of that positivity myself then I know I'll smash my goals and more. My head's well and truly back in the game now, and it's shown on the scales. YES YES YES.

This week I lost 3.5lbs!

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This week I've carried on pretty much the same as before with regards to healthy eating, but I've tried the 5:2. I need to keep doing something LighterLife-y in order to be able to keep going to the sessions, and while I don't fancy giving Lite/Management another go I felt the 5:2 could be the way forward. If anything, it's worth a try and it'll either work or it won't. From my perspective, I have nothing to lose but plenty to gain (how ironic...). I've only done a week of it, so I don't think I'm really in any position to say if it's been a mega success or not, but so far so good! I like how I can both eat normally and healthily for 5 days of the week - no faffing mixing packs with food, no counting out portions of protein, no adhering to specific vegetables on specific weeks - but I have extreme focus fasting for 2 days. It simultaneously felt like I was on a diet and wasn't, and I like that I almost tricked myself into thinking I had no boundaries when in reality they were pretty rigid.

For about a month now I've struggled with huge cravings for "bad" food (for me), mostly because I couldn't have it, which annoyingly made me want it more. Having the freedom to eat properly on the non-fast days, and therefore the option to indulge if I wanted to, bizarrely meant that I lost these cravings and found even though I could have given in, sticking to healthy choices instead was pretty easy indeed. Now "bad" food isn't 100% forbidden I've lost all desire to have it, which is a pretty wonderful turn of events and takes an awful lot of pressure off my head!

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I also found the fasting days really easy. In the last few weeks of Total, 4 packs a day felt like self-imposed torture and that my willpower was being unnecessarily and cruelly tested. I think it's because I knew it was only for 2 days, but this week they were an absolute doddle. By the end of the second day I was getting ready to crack, but knowing I'd be back to porridge, salads and steamed vegetables the next day meant I pushed through with very few complaints.

My main concern at the moment is that I don't trust myself to just eat healthily and exercise. I'm scared that I'll steadily push my boundaries a little at a time and before I know it - be it a few months or a few years time - I'll be back to larger portions and secretly binge eating. While I adjust to regular food I like that I have 2 days of total focus and a session each week to keep me on track. I can test my diet on the five days to find out what works for me, but at the end of it I still have 2 days a week of strict boundaries and pure willpower. As I still have a large chunk of weight to lose, I don't want to get comfortable and start maintaining: I want to keep my head in "weight loss" mode, and if that means keeping up the pretence of a 'diet' rather than a 'lifestyle change' in my mind then so be it. I definitely don't want to lose focus.

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In a way, the 5:2 feels like I'm dipping my toes in normal water before I dive in fully in a few months' time. Who knows: it'll either work or not, but at least I have a solid plan in place and a temporary goal to work towards. What's the worst that can happen?

WEEK 42 LOSS: 3.5lbs
TOTAL LOSS: 76lbs // 5st 6lbs

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