Essentially, if I look at the big picture it's a minor bump in the road, sort of a miniature pot-hole so small it's not bad enough to be fixed by the council but still annoying (bear with me: I hope this will eventually make sense...), but right now - in this moment - I'm fighting with the hideous temptation to either give up entirely or spend a couple of weeks on a ridiculous 'damage control' mission by fasting again. Neither of those options look even remotely appealing - or healthy - to me but I'm so, so scared as they're well within reach.
I've never had to deal with a gain like this, particularly one I genuinely don't understand, so to say it's knocked me for six is a tremendous understatement.
Okay, so last week I was feeling absolutely awful when I wrote the post so really skimmed over how much I struggled in order to switch my laptop off sooner and go back to sipping water and attempting to nap away the sickness. Reading the post over it sounds like I had a hard time but still coped, and that I was upbeat (yet worried) about moving into the next week. I thought it could be a doddle if I had more of the same in terms of food/water intake and remained focused on the end goal. Well, haha, best laid plans and all that...
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
I spent ages reading over the books on LighterLife Lite and Management, in the hope that they'd clear up my concern over coming off the packs without gaining a load of unnecessary weight. I already knew that introducing too many carbs/sugar too quickly would be a recipe for disaster at this stage so largely avoided them i.e. I cut out the obvious, along with fruit for the moment. Aside from four slices of gluten-free bread and six rice cakes over the fortnight, my meals were purely meat/fish and vegetables. I'd poach or scramble an egg if I was feeling particularly wild but that was literally it.
The problem came with everything else the programmes required: LighterLife take great care when reintroducing food and recommend specific vegetables/protein to be incorporated into your diet super slowly because of the carb/sugar content in them. Each week you can introduce more, but it's a slow process. Even though it's the 'right' kind of sugars/fats/carbs they're still a higher quantity than you're used to on the packs so it's best to be cautious, and on this front I agree completely. I understand that if you get your head round it it's a safe and ideal way to transition, but I saw all the tables, measurements and endless lists of specific vegetables/protein, and how they should be cooked, and I panicked. Big style. I hid the folders in a corner and continued to steam vegetables and fill up on fish cooked en papillote assuming that although I wasn't 100% within the guidelines, I wasn't exactly eating poorly by any stretch of the imagination.
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
That's not to say I've been a total angel over the fortnight. In the interest of being totally honest - I really don't see any point in lying to you or myself - confession time. I have had a couple of cappuccinos, several cups of tea, and for a couple of days I had a mid-afternoon snack of a measured portion of Nakd mini bites when I ran out of LighterLife bars. Also I had 2 toasted wholemeal hot cross buns over the Easter weekend. That's it. Oops? However, that still doesn't explain a gain of this magnitude!
I've been arguing with myself over whether I should admit the amount as I'm still coming to terms with it myself. My immediate reaction was not to mention it at all and try and hide the actual number with an appropriate yet distracting gif or an annoyingly inspirational Pinterest-worthy quote. No-one else needs to know: I'm judging myself harshly enough as it is, so there's no need to alert the world and invite a torrent of 'I told you so' comments, said out-loud or otherwise. But I've decided firmly against that course of action. If I was still worried about people judging me for this I wouldn't still be telling you all about it: I would have stopped the posts and continued alone a long time ago. The Emma in July was completely crippled at the idea of people talking about her and judging her for her weight, but the Emma now, version 2.0, Yosemite, or whatever you want to call me, couldn't give a toss. This is my "journey" (eugh) and quite frankly me assuming that you're all judging me for this is offensive and ridiculously rude. It says more about me than it does about anyone reading this, and it has to stop.
Full disclosure: I gained 8lbs. Hopefully it's clear why I'm so shaken and rambling quite so much now. I genuinely don't understand how I've put on so much. I knew there'd be a gain whenever I started to transition to real food, so I expected around 5lbs, but 8 is just ludicrous. I know - hand on heart - that I haven't eaten anything I shouldn't. I haven't exercised as much as I wanted to, and I could have drank a lot more water (closer to 3l than 2), so maybe that contributed to it? Also, I don't normally drink caffeine, so perhaps I'm retaining water because of that? My counsellor was just as baffled as me so took my measurements, and nothing has changed. If my bust/waist/hips were bigger then I'd be sort of okay with it as it would be clear where that half a stone has gone, but I'm exactly the same size! If anything, my clothes are looser than they have been in weeks. I don't feel heavier, or look heavier - my only change is in my mood after stepping on the scales. I'm angry, upset, confused and just plain deflated.
I've now hidden the gain in an overly long paragraph. Who needs gifs and quotes?!
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.heckyeahreactiongifs.tumblr.com)
Last night I was ready to spiral. Luckily I distracted myself with Game of Thrones, and today I dragged myself out of the house and to the cinema. Right now I need to be busy and distracted with my favourite things otherwise if I'm left alone with my head I'm terrified I'll start to drown and I'll throw in the towel. I know it's just an arbitrary number on the scales, but it's taken me ages to lose those 8lbs, and it'll probably take me just as long - if not longer - to lose them again. I'm fine with it all when I look at the bigger picture and acknowledge how far I've come and how driven I am to continue etc. etc., it'll just be difficult for the next few days.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/yourfithealthylife)
Luckily, I've come to the conclusion that if this is what 2 weeks of adjusting to normal food looks like, then I dread to imagine what making bad choices (for me) and reacting by binging again would do. No doubt I'd be back where I started by July, twelve months down the line and no better off. That sounds atrocious, and if it's not motivation to move forward then I don't know what is!
As far as I'm concerned, I think this is my body panicking at real food and an increase in calories and has reacted by holding onto everything. The main thing is for me not to go back on Total and spend a week fasting in order to lose the 8lbs immediately. As easy as that would be, I think it'd be a step backwards and even worse than gaining in the first place - I don't want to use LighterLife as a quick fix. Ever. I just need to regain some focus, continue exercising, drink more water and push through. This week I plan on being stricter on myself and watching my food more closely - perhaps stopping any snacking / drinking caffeine? - but other than that I don't know what else I could possibly do differently. Essentially, I want to carry on as I have been doing and see what happens.
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
I've also decided that at the moment I can't do this alone. That probably sounds silly - I harp on about the support I've received and how ludicrously grateful I am for you all not nearly enough (you're all wonderful in case you'd forgotten) - but the support from the weekly LighterLife sessions is different. Keeping you all in the loop is making me accountable for my actions in a very public forum, but having sessions with Sue helps more than I can really explain. It turns out I'm the type of person that needs a little extra support: I need someone else to weigh me, I need to talk to someone I trust and respect about my problems with food, and right now I need someone to physically guide me and basically hold my hand through this transition. Honestly, what's wrong with that? I'm not a robot, nor a superhero, and clearly in order for me to be strong I have to first admit that I'm weak. I want to succeed at this more than anything in the world, but I'm just not ready to start doing that on my own. For now I'm going to stick with LighterLife, but my version of it incorporating real food with packs, mainly because I desperately need the support and help each week.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/refinery29)
I don't know if this is going to work, but knowing that I'm going back to a session next Monday to be weighed, encouraged, and buoyed along by one of the loveliest women I've ever met is helping me put one foot in front of the other and attack this week with a vengeance.
Life may not be going to plan at the moment, but that's okay. I need to look at why I started and how far I've come. I actually own jeans. I don't overspill a seat on the train. I now start to die after 500 squats and not struggle to even complete 20. I don't need to book VIP seats at the cinema purely because of the extra space. I can actually envisage a future where I'm not a miserable, obese shell of a person. I have a new-found confidence, and I'm genuinely happy. I could continue, but this post is long enough as it is...
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
A gain's a gain: it happens, it's definitely not permanent, and I have every intention of moving on, getting rid of these pesky extra pounds and reaching my target. I can do this, so bring it on.
WEEK 41 LOSS: +8lbs
TOTAL LOSS: 72.5lbs // 5st 2.5lbs
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