Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Transformation Tuesday: Week 29

It's been a funny week, and I've struggled more than I think I ever have before.

Be warned, this is a longer post than usual, so I'd recommend putting the kettle on and getting comfortable...

First thing's first, I lost 1.5lbs this week.

However, my head is in totally the wrong place. I've had small, niggling doubts about carrying on with LighterLife in the back of my mind for weeks, and over the last seven days my willpower has completely disappeared and I gave into them with very little protest. I hate admitting it - it feels like a massive weakness - but it's just so, so hard. I knew what I was getting into when I started on the packs six months ago, and I was 100% aware that it would be extremely challenging, so whenever I have a negative thought about it I know I have no-one to blame but myself for my predicament. I just never anticipated that it would take so long and I'd have to navigate the most demoralising weeks of ridiculously slow weight loss after so much effort.

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.erosethanatos.tumblr.com)

I know carefully selected success stories from the programme have to be taken with a pinch of salt - clever marketing can always be misleading - but even in the knowledge that I shouldn't read into them too much and that everyone loses weight at different rates, being bombarded with smug stories of success (unavoidable in January) has really, really got to me recently. I've done incredibly well so far, but it's hard not to give into tiny negative thoughts that have largely remained hidden and start to feel like a total failure for even thinking about giving up and for taking so long to get to a healthy weight. It might sound bitter, pathetic and completely ridiculous (it is), but that's exactly how I've felt this week.

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.duckieoverblane.tumblr.com)

I keep trying to be positive about the whole process, and it might be selfish but I'm immensely proud of myself for sticking it out for so long. Occasionally the temptation to give up has been overwhelmingly strong but I've pushed through anyway. Unfortunately I've reached my limit. I've been thoroughly miserable about the whole thing this week, and I think enough's enough.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/elleuk)

This week I lapsed every single day. That's not to say I lapsed and inhaled an entire packet of biscuits and methodically worked my way through the fridge, but rather I'd either start the day with renewed, seemingly unbreakable positivity then it would all go to pot, or I'd crack first thing and then have a lightening bolt of inspiration and get back on track by the evening. When I lapsed I'd have a couple of dry crackers or a small salad - so nothing hugely calorific by any stretch of the imagination. The problem is that I started obsessively calorie counting, panicking when I ate anything not on the plan no matter how healthy and then not having anything else all day for fear of going over 500 calories. This. is. horrendous.

When I began six months ago I knew that when I was eating conventional food again I didn't want to become the person that counted calories to an obsessive extent. This last week I've started to turn into someone I don't recognise and certainly don't want to be, and this scares me. As in, I'm almost as scared of this as I am of spiders, and I bloody hate spiders.

Whatever I end up doing I want to commit to it fully and do properly, and right now I'm not doing LighterLife correctly at all. Having a week of 400-500 calories a day and living in a constant state of panic, guilt and misery is not ideal at all, both in terms of physical and mental health. I've thought about it an awful lot, and spoke to my LighterLife counsellor about it at length last night, and I've decided to take a break from the programme. I'm giving myself a fortnight to make a proper decision and come up with a new plan of attack. In two weeks I'll go back to my counsellor and either restart the programme with renewed focus and determination, or walk away with my head held high and start the next chapter of weight loss.  I've been so lucky to have weekly meetings with one of the loveliest and most supportive women in the world, and I couldn't be more grateful for how encouraging, empathetic and wonderful she is. Initially it  felt like by taking a break I was letting her down in some way but when it comes down to it I have to do what's best for me, and right now I desperately need to take a step back and reassess.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/kbarlranch)

Sorry, LighterLife, it's not you it's me. I hope we can still be friends, but for now we're on a break.

WEEK 28 LOSS: 1.5lbs
TOTAL LOSS: 66.5lbs // 4st 10.5lbs

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