If talking yourself out of social situations due to irrational and unfounded internal fears was an Olympic sport I'd be off to Rio in a few weeks' time to win myself a gold medal. I'm an expert at wanting to do so many things and either stopping myself before I can agree to them, or saying yes and then flying into such a severe anxiety attack that I have no other option but to cancel in order to straighten my head out.
Well, not any more. I decided to challenge myself be a 'yes' person in the latter half of 2016, and for once I stepped up rather than hiding in a corner and panicking. As it so happens, saying 'yes' isn't half as scary as I once thought.
Last week's post as pre-written and scheduled to post automatically on Tuesday as I decided to not let me fear of the unknown hold me back last week. I won tickets to the Star Trek Beyond premiere (thank you, Sky Cinema!) and before I could send a 'thank you but I'll have to decline' message I booked a hotel, grabbed my mum and hotfooted down to London.
Maybe it's because I didn't have too long to dwell on my options or maybe my head's still in such a good place that actually doing something incredible wasn't quite so terrifying to me, but it ended up being such a wonderful experience that I'm still pinching myself now. Yes, the film was incredible, and yes, walking on the white carpet at the same time as Chris Pine was pretty spectacular, but to me the most significant thing was the fact that I actually went, I didn't have a panic attack at any stage and I was actually able to enjoy doing something unplanned that I'd never done before.
Saying 'yes' to something like that - when I didn't know all of the details before I agreed to it and didn't feel remotely ready - was a totally alien experience and completely out of my comfort zone. As a rule, I don't seize the moment: I plan for a moment several months away to give myself plenty of time for pep talks and the opportunity to chicken out if it doesn't look like I'm going to be completely comfortable. To me, doing something on a whim just because I could was a huge test, and it paid off in spades.
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I'm in a funny place with weight loss at the moment, and I'm having so many internal battles with which plan to follow. I think I'll always be tempted to return to LighterLife in moments of weakness, and as I have a number of events lined up this summer it's taking all of my willpower not to succumb to the shakes for a month just to take the edge off. I know I could - and I'd feel so much better a little lighter so quickly - but I'm not sure if that's the best option. After all, I'm not talking about doing it properly - counselling included - but rather just fasting by buying the packs from Superdrug. My head's raging a battle between wanting a quick fix to look good towards the end of the summer, versus remaining largely the same but focusing on exercise instead. It feels like a huge gamble either way (potentially harming my health further or literally stagnating for another month) and as such I've been sort of paralysed with emotions all week. Perhaps the confidence boost I experienced at the Empire Leicester Square last week could be directed towards continuing as I am now and accepting that this is where I'm at (even if I've looked better), and I deserve to enjoy life even if I don't look how I'd like to at this exact moment in time.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/reesewitherspoon)
Last week was proof that I didn't need to be 'finished' with this transformation in order to do something extraordinary and just enjoy my life. Perhaps I should apply that philosophy more liberally and start seizing the moment. Logically, I know that I don't need to be a size 8 to make the most of my life, so maybe I should start practising what I preach?
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/addictivedaughter)
I'll get there eventually, but it's becoming clearer to me now that the journey there doesn't have to be as boring and safe as I'd led myself to believe.
However, more importantly: how do I join Starfleet?
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
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