I'm not going to lie: this feels like an enormous milestone!
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When I started these posts nearly 2 years ago I never dreamed I'd make it to Week 10, let alone Week 100. I assumed I'd either lose steam with the whole process, run out of things to say, or realise that this was a ludicrously self-indulgent thing to do and no-one actually wants to read about my thoughts, weight loss journey or life in general. I thought I'd succumb to the notion that this was a humiliating topic to talk about, and as such I'd be shaken back to reality and crawl back into the shadows sooner rather than later. I still don't understand why this hasn't happened yet. While I continue to abhor the spotlight in any way, shape or form, these posts have become a an unwavering part of my routine, and by sticking rigorously to my post schedule each week I have managed to open up more than I ever imagined I would.
For someone who can count on one hand the number of times I spoke up voluntarily in a university seminar throughout the entirety of my 3-year degree, it's completely bonkers that I've shared so much about the problems in my head on here over the past 100 posts. I've never been short of things to say - I read obsessively and have strong opinions on a variety of topics - but I've always been utterly terrified of sharing them. University taught me that my opinion wasn't worth as much as those around me, and if I wasn't extraordinarily well-versed on a topic and ready to argue my point with enough ironclad facts and figures to make a genius look silly then I had no business opening my mouth at all. These posts have undone the damage higher education did to my self-esteem, and now I have a confidence to speak up that I spent so long believing I didn't possess. Week by week I've chipped away at my lack of confidence - and the walls I've spent so long building around myself - to the point that I feel I'm more visible, and transparent, than ever before. I'm never going to be fully honest here - after all, it's a page on the Internet... - but opening up to this extent really isn't a bad thing. If anything, it's been an absolute godsend for my head.
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Hiding on my own and retreating into my head has to be to my biggest weakness, and nearly led to my complete downfall. 100 weeks after making the decision to to actively change the way I behave and I think I'm back to the Emma I was when I started high school. I finally have a much greater understanding of how my own head works. I know when I'm about to spiral, I can pinpoint the exact moment when the panic sets in and I feel like I can't leave the house, and I can successfully avert disaster in the form of an anxiety attack much quicker than ever before. However, after a year of almost going it alone, I know I really need professional help with my head - I can cope and stay afloat now rather than drowning, but I'm not making much more progress than that on my own. Maybe it's time to ask for help now in order to move forwards in a more positive manner.
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In terms of weight loss, I've stagnated for a year. I've gone up and down but pretty much remained the same. However, I think it's important to note that I'm delighted that in my opinion I haven't wasted the year. I've tried LighterLife, the 5:2, the Body Coach and Slimming World. I haven't given up at any stage, and even in the interim periods I've been hyper-aware of my decisions around food and my attitude to exercise. A few years ago I would have deemed the year a complete failure, but I'm viewing it as the opposite: I may not have found a system that works for me (and in the process I may have done more damage than good but that's a whole other kettle of fish) but at least I've tried. I clearly have a willpower and determination that I never give myself credit for, and I am obviously not prepared to settle for where I am now.
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The only problem, therefore, is that I'm still repulsed by my body and my appearance. I don't treat myself with any form of respect, mainly because I've never viewed my body as my body. Since I was little I assumed that this body was only temporary: it was so hideous that the only obvious explanation was that eventually I'd shed it like my pet lobster did its shell. I've never felt big, and so I never felt like I owned this body, and to be honest it's something I've never managed to shake. Even now I can't let myself accept my appearance as it stands as I don't believe it's permanent: why bother training my head to accept how I look now when I'm ultimately going to change? There's no way I could face looking like this for the rest of my life, so why waste time celebrating how I look at this moment? I don't let myself buy decent clothes as I view them as a waste of money - this is merely a temporary vessel. Herein lies the problem that self-help people preach about all the time: if I can't accept myself now, how on earth will I have the tools to do so if and when I change?
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Maybe I'm chasing an unachievable dream; maybe I should learn to love myself as I am; and maybe I shouldn't be so focused on this vain attempt at self-improval. But I can't face a future looking like this and simultaneously I can't face the thought of liking myself as I am now as its such a ridiculous prospect that it makes me feel physically sick. I cannot fathom how other people do it - congratulations to them though, it's an admirable feat and a skill a part of me wishes I could master. Perhaps this should be my next project (alongside cutting processed sugar) - learning to accept or at least tolerate my body. Surely that would be a breakthrough worthy of a post this length?!
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Thanks for sticking with me all these weeks. If you gave up half way through or read every single post each week I appreciate the support. People have cared about these posts much more than I deserve, so thank you. You're all amazing.
Here's to the next 100. xx
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