I've found over the weeks that it's getting easier to censor myself in these posts, and hide how I'm really feeling. In the past I've been relatively open and let through a fraction of negativity, but those sorts of comments have worried family and friends to the point that I've been flooded with messages of concern. To me they seem over-the-top reactions but evidently I don't view my spells of sadness in the same way as everyone else does. Maybe I've coped with my head behaving in a certain way for so long that to me it's totally normal when in fact no-one else thinks it should be. In that sense, I'll keep this week's post brief because I'm really not in a good way and I don't want to worry anyone unnecessarily.
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Today's been a multiple melt-down sort of day, and I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't rushed off my feet at work. I haven't stopped all day, and barely having time to breathe has been a godsend. The one time I had the chance to sit down and work out a plan of attack for the day was the only time I could afford to let my mind temporarily wander, and it led to a minor wobble in my office, almost breaking down during a quick phone-call (to my mum, thankfully!) and voluntarily drowning in paperwork all afternoon to stop it from happening again. Coming home and no longer having the luxury of a never-ending pile of work to distract me led to a total meltdown. 2016, you are not my friend so far.
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I'm eating super healthily, logging all my food in my Fitbit app, sleeping more than normal and generally making every effort to follow Slimming World to the best of my ability. Aside from feeling ill at the end of last week, I thought it was going really well. I'd been so well behaved and generally positive about everything. Logically I know that my scales at home must be broken or the battery's died: it took four attempts for them to actually switch on, and/or stop jumping around and settle on a weight, and when they did finish faffing they said I'd put on 8-11lbs (depending on when they decided to stop jumping) since last week. I know that can't be right - and there's no way I've put on anything, let alone roughly 10lbs - but it's thrown me off kilter in an enormous way. I don't want to be the sort of person whose mood is affected by a silly number on the scales, but it turns out I definitely am no matter how much I like to think otherwise!
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I've reacted by exercising like crazy as soon as I got home and then deciding to stop eating full-stop for now. When I'm not focussed on work my head's definitely not working properly at the moment! I think I need to watch a superhero film and try to sort myself out before I sign up to a new strict and potentially dangerous diet plan. I had to physically talk myself out of driving to Superdrug on the way home to buy LighterLife products, and I'm going to switch my laptop off before I try and find them online.
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I might hate my body, but I think I hate my head more.
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