It's been an odd one: the week started badly, miraculously got even worse, but then has bizarrely ended on a high. Right now I think I'm in a glass case of emotion and don't quite know what to do with myself.
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The start of the week was a challenge to say the least. I just couldn't shake the horrendous habit I touched upon last week where I procrastinated by scrolling through pictures of food on Instagram. For several days I just couldn't stop myself, and annoyingly my head started to spiral down a negative path that I've been desperately trying to avoid. It's petulant, but I can't help thinking that the fact that I still have weight to lose is really, really unfair. I've put so much into this - and persevered for so long - that being so far from finishing is getting really demoralising. I'm not exactly bothered about doing LighterLife specifically (luckily I'm getting on well with the packs at the moment) but it's more the fact that I'm still having to diet. Logically I know this mindset is utter rubbish and extremely self-destructive - no-one is making me do this; I could stop at any point and move on with my head held high; and most importantly, I didn't become obese overnight so expecting to easily drop to a healthy weight in a matter of months is just plain silly. However, as much as I can perfectly understand and see the rational side, I'm honestly not strong enough to stay with it all the time, and this week I've succumbed to a "my life sucks" toddler tantrum and allowed myself to temporarily drown in pathetically feeling sorry for myself.
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That being said, I started to mentally perk up by Thursday and the rational part of my brain started to overtake the ridiculous. It's total sod's law, though, that I was betrayed by my body on Thursday evening and spent the next 3 days feeling terrible. I was weak, constantly shaking and generally feeling very sick (so much that I couldn't stomach the packs), so decided to come off LighterLife and eat real food. For once I didn't see this as an admission of weakness or yet another example of my failure to follow the plan, but instead as me putting my immediate health first. I may have veered off track in the short term but it's not exactly the end of the world. Plus, it's not as if I cracked and ate a packet of biscuits - I had cups of tea, plates of salmon and spinach, and Ryvita cracker-breads. I didn't eat much and instead just had enough to keep me functioning, stop me shaking, and basically to get through the day. Frustratingly I let my exercise lapse too as I felt exhausted all of the time, but again, it's not the end of the world.
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By Sunday although I didn't feel 100% I felt good enough to get back on plan so had my packs as normal and did a gentle yoga video. I'm really glad I'm back on track and refuse to feel even remotely guilty about my detour. Eating conventional food for a couple of days has meant that I maintained on the scales, and yes it's annoying, but it can't be helped. I'm sure I'll continue to lose over the next few weeks and get to my goal eventually.
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After all of last week's palaver and then not seeing a single change on the scales last night I was dangerously close to doing a u-turn and drowning the negativity I'd just about overcome at the weekend. However, today I tried on - and subsequently purchased - jeans. This probably sounds extraordinarily ludicrous but it's hard to put into words how big of a deal this is for me. I haven't bought jeans in 4 years as they've always been the item of clothing that cripples my confidence. I'm not even exaggerating: I've desperately searched over the years, not for the perfect pair but just any pair, and have always come away empty handed. No other item of clothing can make me so upset in the changing rooms and so quickly descend into a cycle of self-loathing. They're such a wardrobe staple but every single pair I've ever owned have been excruciatingly tight, uncomfortable and made me hate my body even more than I already do.
This morning, though, I had a major breakthrough in Gap. Today was an entirely alien experience as every pair I tried on zipped up easily, and I had to enlist the help of the shop assistant to find smaller sizes. Even now, looking at the pairs I bought I can't quite get my head around the concept of such a small size (for me) in a normally unforgiving fabric fitting so well. Don't get me wrong: I don't look like a model, but I thankfully no longer look like a beached whale.
It might sound like nothing, but this was the boost I needed. I've known for a while that I need to stop wearing baggy clothes as it's these sorts of outfits that facilitated my weight gain in the first place. It's easy to ignore an increase in weight if your clothes still fit and nothing stretches over extra pounds quite like leggings and oversized shirts. I'm terrified that if I continue to wear those sorts of comfort zone clothes and I slip up and put weight on in the next few years, I won't notice it immediately. I don't want this to happen at all, so if I can make small changes now - no matter how trivial they might sound - then hopefully I'm setting myself up for greater success in the future.
Honestly, I don't quite know what to think of this week. I've survived it, which is probably the most important thing? Onwards and upwards?
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WEEK 36 LOSS: N/A
TOTAL LOSS: 78lbs // 5st 8lbs
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