On the surface it's been a stressful and utterly draining week. However, I feel weirdly fine about everything. I've had more anxiety attacks, bouts of tears and sleepless nights than I've had in months, but instead of letting the week beat me I seem to have come out the other side with an ironclad resolve, strong sense of self and the knowledge that I know my worth, and I know I can take on anything. I think it's because of this bizarrely positive mindset that I haven't gorged myself on Easter chocolate this year: something I've never done before, either because it provided the perfect excuse to binge or because I was so fed up of fasting that I cracked a couple of times. Yes, I've bought more mini eggs than I can count, but they're either with my baking supplies or have been placed in the lounge to be shared. There has been no over-eating, no secret Malteaser bunny treats and as a result no self loathing. What an achievement.
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I also feel ridiculously inspired again. Whether it's a result of multiple pep talks from my favourite people this week, finding an inner strength I didn't know I had, or just reading a brilliant article on Captain America in Empire - I think it's d) all of the above, but Steve definitely tipped me over the edge yesterday - I've had a Legally Blonde style lightening bolt moment over the weekend that has made me realise that I need to show the world how valuable Emma Forth can be. I've lost myself over the last few months. I've been too tired, too busy and too riddled with self-doubt to do anything constructive other than work and sleep, I've let most of my hobbies fall by the wayside, and I feel like I haven't been using my free time as wisely as I could have been. While I don't regret my actions since the start of the year, I've decided that I'm going to use the past 3 months as a steep learning curve in a number of ways. Most notably, I want to use April to find myself again. This means prioritising 'me' time by scheduling regular exercise, writing about films again, baking for fun, and actually reading the mountain of books I've accumulated as a result of acting like an unsupervised child at a buffet when let loose in every book shop I go past. Also, Henry VIII still only has three and a half wives and no head, so I'm going to have to start cross stitching again.
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Since deciding that I'm worth it, and that my goals aren't simultaneously completely unattainable and ridiculous, I've felt amazing. It's because of this that I consciously chose not to weigh myself this morning: I have no interest in bursting my bubble of happiness with inaccurate scales and an arbitrary number. I'm making increasingly better choices when it comes to food and I feel like I'm almost back on the straight and narrow - the odd hot cross bun related wobble notwithstanding. I may not have a diet related plan in amongst all of my other goals, but maybe that's not a bad thing? Maybe I need to take a break from punishing myself and as a result my weight will fall into place? The weeks when my head's been in a good place have been the weeks when I've lost weight with seemingly little effort - hopefully when I'm content with myself my body will begin to behave accordingly.
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Even if this doesn't happen, if I'm focused and happy again I'll be infinitely more driven to follow a strict diet if I so choose in the next few weeks. Either way, the future is looking pretty bright indeed.
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