My first port of call was a visit to a dietician this week, and it was honestly one of the most pointless and disheartening decisions I've ever made. Be warned, it's a bit of a lengthy post...
I've always respected the NHS, but as my experiences with it as a child were consistently disappointing I've never had particularly fond memories of the system. As an adult I've put off booking appointments as I never saw the point - I assumed (using all previous experience as a benchmark) that my fears would be dismissed and I'd be directed to the back of a queue, forgotten about and never treated properly. However, I have no option but to hold my hands up and say that mostly due to an exceptional GP from a new practice, I've well and truly been proven wrong.
Recently I've been referred to numerous different totally unrelated departments and while they vary enormously a common thread throughout them all as been just how lovely each and every person I've seen has been. Yes, there's been a long wait for appointments to come through, and yes I've spent ages sat in waiting rooms as more often than not the clinics were running late, but at the end of the day it's worth it as once I was sat in front of the correct person it's impossible to deny that the service has been fantastic. Even when it's the end of the day and you can just tell that the doctor reading through your notes wants nothing more than a cup of tea the size of a small child and to go home and actually see the world outside of the hospital, they still make the effort (god knows how) to do their job to the best of their ability. I've left every single appointment feeling respected, optimistic and confident that the person I've just seen genuinely wanted to help me.
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I think it's for this reason that I was so utterly disappointed this week. At this stage I'm willing to try anything, and agreed with my GP that a dietician might be able to pinpoint where I've been going wrong and offer tips for changes - large or small - to kickstart weight loss. At no point did I expect to leave the appointment with a fully formed diet and exercise plan like the 90 Day SSS, or an extensive programme for the next 10 weeks, or anything remotely like that, but rather I did hope that the dietician would listen to where I am now and kindly offer objective advice, all of which I was openly keen to try out. Instead I left the session shaking, wanting to binge as I was so upset (so ridiculous) and incredulous at how rude and unhelpful she was.
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Quite literally every person I've ever spoken to has had nothing but words of encouragement and support for this 'journey'. Conversely the dietician I saw spent half an hour barely concealing her judgement, and when told how much weight I'd previously lost she clapped her hands together with glee and said, "ahh, so that's why you're here! You've put it all back on again!" I have genuinely never felt so discouraged. I also had to endure an extremely patronising lecture on portion control (complete with a primary school level explanation of a pie chart and a leaflet to take home) and was told four times that the only way I could possibly continue to lose weight was to cut my calories and exercise more. While I understand that's along the perfectly sensible and useful NHS guideline of 'eat less, move more', I was hoping for something that vaguely accounted for what we'd discussed less than five minutes previously (a food diary and my current exercise plan). If I cut any more calories I might as well just do LighterLife again, and as I exercise 6 days a week for between 30 minutes to an hour at a time I don't know how I could exercise more. I did mention this, but she just sighed, half shrugged and started working through the portion control leaflet again. This is only scratching the surface of the session.
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As various different people have suggested seeing a dietician just purely to hear the opinion of a professional, I totally agreed that it was worth a shot. Unfortunately the dietician last week was ironically the first person in 70 weeks (other than the voice in my head) to make me feel like this whole journey is a disaster and that I'm destined to fail spectacularly by putting all the weight I've lost plus more back on within the year (apparently there's a high chance I will). My experience still baffles me! I am in no way going to tar every single dietician with the same brush - there must be some non-judgemental, supportive and helpful ones out there - but for now I have no intention of going back to see her. I'm glad I tried, no matter how disappointing and disheartening it was.
Next step: heading back to the drawing board! I'm loving the BBG at the moment, eating healthily, and as life starts to stabilise I should be able to prioritise my own mental wellbeing a little more. I'm still looking for a structured weight loss programme, but don't quite know what direction to go in at the moment. In theory November should be a much better month for my head, and as long as I'm not forced to see a dietician I'll be fine...
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