I'm still not eating properly (nothing all day except soup at lunchtime and then rubbish in the evening is such an unbelievably unhealthy routine to have fallen in to); I'm sleeping less so I'm constantly tired again; and I barely have time to exercise, let alone the motivation to actually do it when I can squeeze in an hour. Cue a deteriorating mood and a head filled to the brim with negativity, and when coupled with my increasing frustration with yoga, it's not made for a positive week at all!
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I'm really, really hating yoga. I want nothing more than to be one of those serene, bendy people that have had their minds and bodies transformed by yoga, but I'm struggling enormously with it. Due to my long-standing desire to try it out properly I took it on as June's Quarter-Life Crisis Challenge, and while I haven't managed to practise every single day so far this month, I've managed quite a few and I'm determined to finish all 30 videos in this list by the end of the month. The problem is, I'm terrible at it, and not in a 'I'm understandably awful at this stage but I enjoy it and can feel myself improving slowly' but in a 'this hurts in the worst possible way and is making all of my remaining medical problems feel horrendously worse'. I'm no stranger to workouts that hurt - the BBG regularly left me unable to walk up stairs the next day - but that's a different kind of pain: to me it's a temporary pain in every muscle that shows how much effort I've put in, and ultimately always led to an improvement in performance over time. Yoga has made me cry in frustration over the last 4 sessions because of how much certain body parts hurt and how little I could do.
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It's highlighting how much being overweight has damaged my body (I'd love to see an x-ray of my skeleton as none of my bones seem to align properly), and how much my body repulses me. I don't think that's the aim of yoga at all, but my body image has taken an absolute battering over the last 3 weeks as a result of little to no success with virtually every yoga pose thrown my way, and having to practise in front of a full-length mirror in my room. I've attempted everything in a blind hope that I might improve slowly - and everyone has to start somewhere - but this is making me miserable. I always knew that I'm the most inflexible person in the world, but there's so many basic things I just can't do due to my hunchback or dodgy, unbalanced knees or a plethora of other problems that I'm not going in to here, that it's become so easy to hate myself even more than usual. My inability to successfully slot into a pose more often than not isn't initially down to my inflexibility or limited skill with yoga, but rather a part of my body that doesn't work as it should (for example I can't lie flat on my back, I feel suffocated when attempting child's pose and my right arm doesn't rotate 360 degrees comfortably in one go). It's these little, niggling issues that make every single pose slightly more difficult than they should be, and add a layer of annoyance that I can't stop thinking about - and hating myself for - during the entire duration of each session. I am now physically repulsed by my body rather than nurturing a growing appreciation for the remarkable things it can do, and I'm pretty sure that's the total opposite purpose of yoga!
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I'm going to persevere with it for the next week as I'm not prepared to give up now. It might get better, and I'm probably being overdramatic so I'm not entertaining the thought of throwing in the towel. I will, however, be booking an appointment with my physio in the hope that after a month of potentially doing more harm than good he can tape me back together again and fix me!
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Here's to a better week - it can't be any worse than the last anyway!
Hi Emma! Thanks so much for being so open and honest all the time! I have been practicing yoga since January quite regularly. For me, yoga is a place where I can focus on myself, my intentions, my ambitions and really be grateful for the ability to take my practice further everyday. However, everyone's intentions are different but try to focus on the positive. Even if you find all the poses hard focus on that tiny imporovement in your tree pose, or in that childs pose. Have you seen @mynameisjessamyn? I am in no way comparing you to her but it is to show that no matter how big just be grateful you have your arms and legs and are able to even practice yoga. And as with everything perseverance is key and it is truly all in the mindset. Don't tell yourself you are terrible at it, I lie to myself all the time and eventually you will start believing it and it will show through! Love yourself and your body as it is now and as you work to what you want it to be :)
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