Almost 3 years down the line and 150 posts later I've decided that it's time to call it a day with my weekly Transformation Tuesday instalments. I think this day has been a long time coming, but after much deliberation I've come to the conclusion that enough is enough and it's now time to move onto the next chapter.
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I have absolutely loved writing these posts every week. The aim was always to provide accountability for my actions and to forcibly remove myself from the safe - albeit often unstable - confines of my head. I believed that by coming clean about the issues surrounding my weight and mental health in such a public forum I would be in a better position to do something positive about them as I didn't have the strength to turn my life around on my own. The thought of everyone knowing my problems successfully utilised my fear of letting people down by coercing me into sticking to my plans. I couldn't throw in the towel or not give it my all if the whole world was watching. To some it may seem weak to ask for help (without physically asking for help) in this way, instead of sorting myself out in private, but it's kept me going for 3 years and pulled me from the brink of something altogether too scary to think about so I don't feel like I have any grounds to complain.
One thing that I never anticipated was that anyone would actually want to read about something so mundane. In my view, this was purely a way for me to monitor my progress and stay on track, and while these posts have always been available to the public I never let that dictate what I revealed or the way in which I wrote about it. As such I've been constantly surprised by the outpouring of encouragement and support each week from friends and people I barely know alike. It seems bonkers to me that anyone other than my closest friends and family would be remotely bothered about my progress in any way (and even then I bet they're bored of it by now!) so I've spent 3 years baffled and grateful in equal measure. This has been a lovely byproduct of writing about my problems and it's meant the world to me, with all of the random messages, texts and emails I've received over the years bolstering me through difficult times and lifting me up when I've began to drown in my head.
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In order to move onto the next section of my life I think it's important to take stock and appreciate just how far I've come. I can vividly remember nervously writing my first post in the sweltering summer heat in my room in my last year at university, whole-heartedly believing that I'd soldier on for a month at best and then pack it in. I never thought I'd make it this far both in terms of my mental and physical health and religiously keeping up with the posts. So, here's what I've learnt since I pressed 'Publish' 150 weeks ago:
- Don't think too much about anything: do an appropriate level of research and then take a leap of faith. Everything always works out in the end, and more often than not the best things happen because you didn't overthink them in the first place.
- Fasting is all fun and games until you start spending all day looking at pictures of filthy burgers on Instagram and dreaming of cheese.
- There's no greater joy than finally fitting in a pair of jeans and not looking like a sausage that has escaped its casing.
- Don't allow a VLCD to become a lifestyle - use it in the short term only. It may seem like a good idea at the time and the control over food that it offers helps enormously in controlling your weight, but it merely feeds your eating disorder and eventually screws with your metabolism.
- The Body Coach's plan is a giant waste of money (it's ludicrously expensive) and eating 200g of spinach with each meal is never a good idea.
- Talking about your problems is the best way to start coming up with strategies to solve and/or manage them.
- There's more to life than counting Syns.
- Wearing Spanx every single day for 4 years may smooth out minor lumps and bumps but it's painful, sweaty and bloody uncomfortable. You won't realise how awful it is until you never have to wear them again.
- Learning how not to binge when alone is hard work, and you will slip up occasionally, but it's worth the effort. Eating disorders are serious business, and coming out the other side should be celebrated.
- Losing weight is addictive, but the high it offers isn't half as good as the endorphin rush from a spin class. Not everything has to be about size of your waist or your lack of multiple chins.
- Comparing yourself to other people is about as much use as a chocolate fire-guard. What's the point? You only make yourself feel bad.
- No-one under 25 should have to endure sagging grandma boobs and an apron of skin that makes you look like a melted candle. Save your money, find a surgeon and pick a date. See the first point re. overthinking - don't.
- When it comes to weight loss, everyone and their dog has an opinion on what's best for you. Listen to others as you can never stop learning, but also take what's said with a pinch of salt. What works for one person might not necessarily work for you, and no-one knows you better than yourself.
- Depression never really goes away but it doesn't have to be your default setting. One day you'll realise that that hideous voice in your head is now a whisper and not a shout, and while on some days it gets a little louder and easier to hear than on others, that doesn't mean it has to drown out everything in its path like a tsunami.
- You are strong, capable and can do anything you set your mind to.
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So that's it, folks! These posts have tracked a marked transformation with clear before and afters, but now I think that's an obsolete notion. I wanted to lose weight and I have through LighterLife, Slimming World and (unsuccessfully) with The Body Coach. I wanted to try out exercise, and I did with Kayla Itsines' BBG and regular walking with a podcast or two, which wonderfully led to the confidence for classes and PT sessions at the gym. I also wanted to sort my head out after a horrendous mental deterioration and breakdown as a result of university. I've beaten an eating disorder, controlled my panic attacks and have strategies in place to deal with my depression and anxiety. Everything I wanted to 'fix' has been tackled head on and I'm in such a stable, positive place now that I barely recognise the utterly miserable person I was 3 years ago. I'm not at an 'end point' but that doesn't matter - I'm at the stage where I can move on and take anything life throws at me in my stride. There will be ups and downs, but that's half the fun.
The next chapter for me will be just living. No dieting or obsessively critiquing my appearance, just learning to strike the right balance between enjoying where I am now and working towards where I want to be. Life is for living, and I intend to live it to the max.
Thank you so much for joining me each and every week for these Transformation Tuesday posts. It's been a blast and I've enjoyed every minute.
Here's to the next adventure.
E x
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