I think last week's epiphany has given me the kick up the backside that I so desperately needed as I've spent the last week more focused and positive than I've been in ages. Giving myself a good talking to has made me prioritise my mental health, and although I've only been implementing small changes for 7 days I'm already feeling the effects. I know - and have every faith that - I can do absolutely anything I set my mind to. For me, the next step is to prove this to myself by successfully completing mini goals and challenges. If I can build up a bank of achievements - no matter how big or small - then when I'm doubting myself again in the future I can fall back on no end of evidence to the contrary.
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By no means am I dismissing everything positive that I've achieved thus far in my life, but when I'm trapped in a downward spiral I find it extraordinarily easy to ignore all of the good and focus solely on the overwhelming amount of negativity in my head. Before last week I couldn't see anything other than my constant failure to change my behaviour and consequently my lack of self-worth, and I (ridiculously) couldn't remember a time when I overcame the voices in my head and triumphed when I thought I never would. When everything just gets too much to handle, I struggle to see the wood for the trees. It seems so silly at this stage of my transformation posts to still have these sorts of problems, but I've accepted that my head's never going to be truly 'fixed' and that I have to learn how to adapt when things don't go to plan. I'm recognising the moments when my head wanders off down a dangerous path much, much quicker than ever before, and while I'm still not quite able to stop it wandering in the first place, at least I can now avoid total meltdowns a lot more efficiently.
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From experience I know that I'm very all-or-nothing, so with this recent burst of positivity and decision to make changes I've decided to throw caution to the wind and start small. In the past I've always tried to do way too much too quickly - practically intending to become a new person overnight - and while I have inevitably failed each and every time, I think the problem never lay in the changes themselves but rather the fact that I expected too much from myself in too short a period of time. I'm very impatient and have ludicrously high standards for myself, but slow and steady wins the race. In an attempt to avoid losing focus and giving up I've set myself a series of small, planned, achievable goals over the next few months, with accountability primarily in the form of monthly blog posts. I've called it my Quarter-Life Crisis Challenge, and I'm aiming to make small changes to my routine each month until the end of 2016, with the aim of learning new skills, developing new habits, managing my time more effectively, growing my confidence, encouraging me to venture outside of my comfort zone, and ultimately to prove the voices in my head wrong.
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I'm going to be doing no more than I've always tried to do in one go at the start of each month, but instead I've picked one thing to try each month, rather than everything. I'm hoping that the thought of change will be significantly less overwhelming when spread out over such a long period of time, broken down into 30 day chunks, and planned to the nth degree. Maybe by building myself up piece my piece it'll be harder to knock me down in one fell swoop if my confidence takes a beating?
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I'm also hoping that these mini challenges will both focus my mind on something positive and distract me from being distracted. By throwing myself into a new endeavour - and succeeding at it - I hope that my head will fall into place and take my body with it. 5 days in of seriously tackling my head and I'm already eating better and moving more without consciously thinking about it. I'm tempted for the next phase of weight loss just to be a sensible approach to food and exercise. What will be, will be, and maybe flogging myself isn't the right attitude any more. If 30 day challenges somehow inspire me to exercise more, sleep longer, and drink insane amounts of water then that's an astonishingly good thing: they'll have achieved what I've been after - and punishing myself over - for months.
Here's to hoping that a notebook full of challenges, Marvel calendar with gold stars and a resolve to sort myself out once and for all has the desired effect. It might be a little premature, but I like to think it will.
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