I had intended to start Cycle 2 yesterday, but I didn't have time to plan it over the weekend and if I'm being honest, no part of me wanted to start it. I could definitely have made the time to draw up meal plans and work out my new exercise regime but for some unknown reason I've managed to push it so far down my priority list that I'll do anything and everything else before forcing myself to do it. The trouble is, though, that every day I go without being 'on plan' is another day of self-loathing at my inability to pull myself together; another day feeling enormous and sluggish and demotivated; and another day for the horrid voice in my head to confirm that I'm a failure. I'm stuck in a sort of half-way house: I'm not on my absolute best behaviour and simultaneously not totally off the wagon, and as a result I don't really know where I stand. I just can't bring myself to get a grip and make a decision once and for all, and right now I'm finding it extremely hard to quieten the idea of doing LighterLife again instead.
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
My body knows my head's struggling too, as I'm not sleeping; I'm drinking water all the time but constantly feeling parched; and I'm snacking for meals rather than eating proper food. Plus, I haven't exercised properly in over 3 weeks. Aside from a couple of power walks and impromptu HIIT sessions, I've done nothing, and while a foot injury put me out of action last week I really have no excuses now. Getting back in the swing of healthy eating and exercise feels so daunting that I know I'm putting it off for all the same reasons as I did last June, but the difference now is that I have concrete proof that I can succeed with it all. This time I'm not leaping into the unknown but rather settling back into a familiar routine, but for some reason I'm terrified of taking that first, crucial step once more.
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)
What is wrong with me?!
On a more positive note, I vaguely have my sense of direction and motivation back, and I no longer feel quite so overwhelmed by life. Yes, I'm still super busy, but it feels much more manageable than it has over the last month, and while my to do list is still the length of War and Peace I'm now chipping away at it rather than panicking about it to such an extent that I'm totally useless. It feels like life could be good again - really, really good - if only I'd make the smallest of changes to make it all possible. I just can't for the life of me work out why I'm subconsciously refusing to do it.
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If someone could give me a good shake / slap me with a wet fish then that would be lovely. For now, though, I'm going to reread Amy Poehler's Yes Please, fire up the Empire podcast for an evening power walk and lose myself in Gotham with the Dark Knight trilogy to try and find my way back to the best version of me. Hopefully my favourite things will give me the nudge I need to start behaving a little more sensibly and pull me back to normality!
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