I had a great week: I've felt truly fantastic. I fasted for a couple of days but largely ate healthily on those with real food. Thanks to my Fitbit and fast growing obsession with the app I've been meticulously logging everything I've eaten/drank, and spent ages each day either finding the foods in the database or adding every last nutritional detail manually. As a result, I've been in control and pretty focused.
In addition I've been exercising loads. I didn't miss a single day or workout on the BBG, even venturing outside on a walk twice during the week. For someone who - aside from 3 years in London - has lived in the countryside my entire life I have a ridiculous issue with nature and the outdoors. However I forced myself to push through, ignore my distain for rolling green fields, and go out anyway: I feared that giving in now would be fatal in the long run. I may have had to change plans at the last minute and swap a long walk outside for a sort of obstacle course around our garage/barn when it started to rain but still I moved around for the designated time without stopping and feel much better for it. If anything I pushed myself more as I knew no-one could see me (as opposed to the single tractor and several horses on my walk the day before...). I was in significant pain for most of the week - I've clearly been working muscles I didn't know I had - but 7 days later I can already feel my fitness levels improving and I'm sleeping much better.
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Plus, I feel thinner. Apart from the fact that most of my clothes are looser (jeans included!) I can definitely see that chunks of me are now missing, and my calves are now rock solid and defined. I know it's not going to be an overnight thing - if anyone knows the values of patience with this malarky it's me - but it's still nice to see changes so quickly. It's almost proof that handwork pays off, and it's very motivational!
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I had a shock on the scales last night with a significant gain. I've never been the sort of person to sit in a group and cry, but it took all of my willpower last night not to burst into tears. It's a testament to my amazing counsellor and the other lovely woman in the session that I didn't have the mother of all meltdowns, but it's definitely coming. I don't understand it at all, particularly as I've been so focussed and on the ball this week, and as a result I definitely don't want to talk about it. These posts aren't some form of confession, and while I've made a point of being more honest here than I ever thought I'd have the courage to be I've obviously held certain things back. I might be opening up more but there will always be things I'm not brave enough to share. This week I'm exercising that right to keep things to myself and leaving it here.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/ahealthyguide)
I left the session in a daze, driving home in the pouring rain (pathetic fallacy anyone?) with Taylor Swift's 1989 booming so loud that other drivers gave me funny looks when we were stopped at traffic lights. I feel sort of numb? Something's not working but I cannot for the life of me pinpoint what that is. I have no intention of going back to the person I was 49 weeks ago, but I have absolutely no idea what to do going forwards. For now I'm going to push on with the BBG, distract myself at work (which is harder than I thought given the fact that I'm trapped in an exam hall for hours on end in total silence...) and try not to throw in the towel while I attempt to sort my head out.
I'm on the verge of a breakdown, which feels so ridiculous given how unnaturally happy I've been over the last month. Fending off the negativity is going to be near impossible this week, so if I fall off the face of the earth odds are you'll find me watching a superhero film and doing everything in my power not to give in to the voices in my head, but probably failing (like me with this journey aha!).
(GIF SOURCED FROM www.timeout.com)
Right now, I'm not holding out any hope at all that I'll succeed and keep my head above the water. Drowning seems almost inevitable.
WEEK 48 LOSS: --
TOTAL LOSS: 75.5lbs // 5st 5.5lbs
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