Transformation Tuesday: Week 38

Well, it's been another tough week (I hate how these are increasing in frequency again) but I've survived, and I have you beautiful people to thank for that.

I've maintained this week. That's a slight lie: I technically lost around half a pound but as the scales jumped about until settling on a 0.3lbs loss I'm just going to call it quits and say my weight hasn't altered this week. My counsellor rounded it up to half a pound for her records, but I can't in good conscience bring myself to say I've actually lost anything. It sucks, but I'm not overly bothered. I've finally lost the last of my double chin and subsequently the weird distribution of skin in the middle of my neck that temporarily made me look vaguely like a creepy lizard (hello jaw line...). I also now have clearer muscle definition in my calves and thighs and my stomach dips inwards slightly (only slightly) by my ribs. So even though the scales haven't budged I can now physically see a difference, and that's just as important in my book.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/dallasclayton)

I've struggled again this week. I'm still making an serious effort to progress towards an end goal, but I haven't been able to totally shake the toddler tantrum I touched on last week. It all still feels (ridiculously) rather unfair that I'm still dieting, but I've soldiered on. Aside from a blip on Friday the week's been largely fine with regards to having the LighterLife packs: I had a day-trip to London and despite taking bars with me and sticking to the plan, I screwed my timings up and ended up catching a later train than I thought, leaving me with no packs left and needing some form of sustenance. An emergency trip to the M&S in Euston station meant I finished the day with a salad and small pack of sushi. I also lapsed with a bowl of plain porridge while watching the final few hours of Red Nose Day when I got in, but as I couldn't bring myself to have a pack of spaghetti bolognese at 10.30 in the evening I'm not going to beat myself up about it. They weren't terrible choices but they were off plan nonetheless. 

I haven't allowed the negativity surrounding this to take over my head and dictate my behaviour, but there's been an annoying, niggling voice in the back of my mind all week that I just can't shake. However, each and every time it started to rear its ugly head, my phone pinged with another notification about last week's post. When I wrote about annoyingly maintaining my weight and buying jeans I never anticipated the response it would generate. 

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.bachelorburnbook.com)

I'm still completely, 100%, pinch-me-is-this-real, overwhelmed by the support from you all. I can't really work out why you all responded quite so positively (it seems completely bonkers!), but it warms me more than you could ever imagine. It's almost as if you all knew I was struggling an awful lot more than I actually let on and responded in the most over-the-top, lovely and astonishingly kind manner. All of your comments, texts and emails drowned out the voice in my head telling me to throw in the towel and picked me up exactly when I needed it most.

Writing these posts has been and will always be primarily a way of keeping me on track and making sure I'm accountable for my actions by making it all so public. Opening up about weight loss, my struggles with food and quest (I feel like a medieval knight saying that) to discover a healthy lifestyle wasn't a decision I made lightly, and each week I second guess as to whether I should share exactly what's going on in my head and if anyone actually wants to read about it. It still shocks me that it's not solely my mum reading these, and even more than that it astounds me that you all seem to genuinely care about my journey (eugh, stupid word). I don't know what on earth I've done to deserve such generosity and kindness but I appreciate it so very, very much.

Thank you times a squillion.

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)

I felt pretty bad after my weigh in last night, and it's taken till this morning for me to stop mulling the whole thing over and finally come to the more mature conclusion outlined at the start of this post...

I think it helps that I'm finally starting to feel like me again. Not 'me', as in the day that the clouds start to clear after a truly bad day - the ones where it feels like everything's getting too much and I'm drowning in my head. Yes, I certainly feel like 'me' again after a couple of episodes of Gossip Girl, with freshly painted nails and a batch of cupcakes cooling on a wire rack, when I can breathe easily and no longer fear an anxiety attack at any moment. I don't mean like that. I don't me in the short-term. I'm talking about the 'me' I was before I went to university and lost sight of who I was, what I believed in and who I wanted to be. I spent three years becoming a shell of myself, retreating into my head even more seriously than I ever had before and giving into every single negative and self-destructive thought I had. I felt worthless, undeserving of happiness and completely lost.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instrgam.com/fitgirlbella6690)

Over the last few months I've been painstakingly trying to work my way back to that person - the girl that may have lacked confidence but more importantly had a very clear idea of who she was, what qualities she valued and the type of person she ultimately wanted to be. I feel like right now thanks to the progress I've made with my weight (and by extension my head); and also by taking the time to reassess, reflect and evaluate where I'm going, what I believe and who I am, I think I'm finally getting there. Being faced with such an overwhelmingly touching response last week, particularly from old school friends, really, really helped. It showed, in a way, that I've been me all along. The idea that that part of me - the fundamentals of who I am - had been lost forever was clearly just in my head buried underneath millions of layers of negativity, but as I've let my head take the wheel for the last few years it's no wonder I felt so panicked. Outwardly I obviously hadn't lost sight of Emma quite so dramatically - I hadn't fully morphed into a totally different person - but that's not how I saw it in my head: it felt like I was was clinging to a life raft in the middle of the ocean, no land in sight, screaming "WILSONNN" and getting absolutely nowhere.

Finding my way back has been extremely hard and has taken quite literally months but it's happened. I just didn't trust myself, but clearly you all had more faith in me than I did and knew it was possible all along.

(GIF SOURCED FROM www.buzzfeed.com)

At the moment I'm no longer the sad, lonely shell of a person I spent three years becoming while at university. I'm back, I'm happy, and I have a bigger, more incredible support network than I deserve and ever dared to dream of having.

I think I'm finally me again, just 78lbs lighter. Woop, woop!

WEEK 37 LOSS: N/A

TOTAL LOSS: 78lbs // 5st 8lbs