The scales have reflected this lack of focus with a poor result, but I'm not really bothered: I'm more fixated on the fact that this week has rocked my confidence and crushed my willpower. I want to keep going more than anything, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment. Getting past it is more than doable but my confidence in my ability to succeed is not at all what it was last week.
That'll teach me to prematurely write a post preaching positivity - deep down I knew it was too good to be true!
This week I lost a measly half a pound, but given the circumstances it's much better than I deserve.
On the surface I've had a good week. I adore films and the cinema more than anything else in the world, and I spent what felt like the majority of last week hiding in the dark and losing myself in other worlds. Nothing inspires me more than film, and at the start of the week this giddy enthusiasm for life (and the future) as a result of a million cinema trips and evenings spent curled up on the sofa watching Hollywood's finest transferred neatly over to weight loss: I stuck to the LighterLife programme perfectly, drank loads more water than usual, and generally felt all was right with the world. The motivational frame of mind that I'd arrived at last Monday seemed wonderful and I honestly thought it'd last.
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The thing is, I'm very adept at hiding how I feel - particularly when I'm struggling - and pushing negative thoughts of anxiety, stress, and self-loathing to the back of my mind with the intention of dealing with them at a later date. The only problem, though, is that I'm so set on never confronting the negative thoughts that they build and build and build until I can't ignore them anymore and all of a sudden they spill out, obliterating everything in their path like a hideous tsunami. I don't think I could deal with this in a worse and more ridiculous way! I've known a meltdown of sorts has been coming for a while, but I didn't expect it to hit last week when I was riding a wave of Harry Potter / baking / London / film festival / feeling extremely thin happiness. But it hit, and everything went a little bit to pot.
The way I've dealt with this in the past has been to binge. Looking at it logically this never solved the problem - if anything it's just succeeded in creating another - but I still automatically connect overconsumption with an immediate drop in my stress levels. Being on LighterLife means I can't do this, and it forces me to stop and think before acting as I usually would to calm myself down and make myself feel better. This is 100% a good thing, as breaking this habit is going to be fundamental for maintaining a healthy weight in the long run. However given everything else that was going on in my head this week I became pathetically irrationally angry that I couldn't give in to this usual behaviour. My willpower was shot to hell, and focussing on following the programme properly was not a priority at all, so I grazed for the remainder of the week.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.instagram.com/thegoodquote)
One the one hand, well done Emma for not bingeing at all. On the other, what a disaster. I might not have eaten disgusting quantities every time my anxiety spiked, but I still ate something. These small, consistent amounts may not have significantly increased my calorie intake - something clicked in my head and made me try to stick to no more than 2 LighterLife packs a day to 'compensate' calorie-wise once I'd reached for conventional food - but the carb/sugar content of what I've eaten has knocked me out of ketosis and thus slowed weight loss. In some respects it's not as bad as it could have been, but it's still not the sort of week I should be writing about. Half a pound is therefore something to celebrate as I was convinced I'd put on instead of lost.
(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.piccsy.com)
It's times like this that I really appreciate my LighterLife counsellor. She never makes me feel guilty about my behaviour - I think she senses I feel bad enough already - but instead looks at the situation and only offers support and solutions. Having a massive chat with her about this last night has put me in a better frame of mind, and I seem more positive about the coming week and will be making more more of an effort not to fall off the wagon in any way, shape or form.
I can't control what I'm feeling all of the time as much as I wish I could, but I can control what I eat and how I approach weight loss. This week I'm not making any promises or setting myself high expectations in terms of loss or commitment, but instead I'll just play it by ear and give it my all. If I can make it to next week feeling a bit better and not hating myself for falling off the wagon then as far as I'm concerned it'll be an unmitigated success.
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WEEK 16 LOSS: 1/2lb
TOTAL LOSS: 48.5lbs // 3st 6.5lbs
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