Transformation Tuesday: Week 1

This is probably going to be the most personal post I'll ever publish, and writing it was not a decision I've taken lightly.

A few years ago I discovered PostSecret, a website where people send confessions or secrets on the back of a postcard to a man in America and he uploads a selection of them onto his website every Sunday. They can make you laugh and cry, and have the ability to shock and awe in equal measure. The anonymity allows the senders to reveal things they wouldn't tell their closest friends, and more often than not at least one of the postcards will contain a secret that strikes a chord with you. However none have broken my heart quite like this one.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.thesocietypages.org)

Earlier this year I discovered the Channel 4 programme, My Mad Fat Diary. It's not the type of programme I'd normally watch - the strong northern accents, '90s setting and teenage protagonists really aren't my cup of tea. However in a fit of dissertation procrastination I caught up on series one and avidly watched series two as it unfolded each week. It brilliantly tells the story of Rae Earl (played by the phenomenal Sharon Rooney): a 16 stone, funny, music-mad teenager recently released from a four month stint in a psychiatric hospital. The show primarily focuses on Rae's relationships with her friends and her mother, and the trials and tribulations of being a teenager in 1996; but it also poignantly addresses Rae's mental health and her crippling body image problems. It's the only media portrayal of an overweight teenager I've seen that doesn't patronise, and never succumbs to stereotypes.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.channel4.com)

The programme really hit me hard.

Not only is it hilarious, displays a plethora of brilliant young acting talent and has some of the best writing on television, but there were certain scenes that shook me to the core. There were moments that felt like the writers had reached into my brain and taken my incoherent thoughts and made them make sense. For instance, when I was younger I wanted nothing more than to step out of myself like Rae does in the clip below from S1E2. It's oddly comforting to know you're not the only one that thought like that, but terrifying to face how that makes you feel.

I've now reached the stage where I'm no longer content to identify with these sorts of images - I want to be in a position to empathise, but not directly relate. Being overweight is my most shameful and upsetting secret, and yet it's the one that I simply cannot hide. However, I have hidden how it makes me feel. I've never openly embraced it by taking on the role of the funny, outgoing, fat friend, celebrating my 'curves' and not letting anything stand in my way by wearing whatever I want and behaving as I'd like regardless of my size. On the other extreme I've never sought to deliberately cover myself up in baggy clothes and dark colours, and I've never been so devastated by it that I've harmed myself.

In a way, I've ignored it and done everything I can to not make a big deal about it. I adore fashion so as a teenager I hid behind a love of shoes and bags, over exaggerating my love of accessories in the hope that my friends would overlook the fact I couldn't buy clothes at the same places as them. I arrive everywhere early as I can't stand looking flustered in the fear that it's an admission of effects of my size. I can't face going on holiday as my body hates the heat and even the thought of having to lie on a beach in a swimsuit makes me shake and panic for hours. I won't go on a boat in case it sinks; I'd rather stand for hours on the tube than sit down and potentially spill over the arm rest; and I always make sure I'm behind everyone else when walking somewhere so I'm not holding anyone up as my pace inevitably slows.

Essentially I've spent 22 years miserable but also ignoring the problem and telling no one about how isolated, judged and overwhelmed at the prospect of sorting it out I felt. It's a credit to my friends that it's never been an issue - I've never been left out or made to feel ashamed of my size by them. I clearly hoped that it'd go away but knew deep down that it wouldn't without taking control and applying serious hard work and dedication. In my head it's always been a temporary phase, but at 22 it's clearly not. This chapter of my life, though, ends today.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.facebook.com/ELLEuk)

I want to be the type of person I've always been in my head, and in order to become that person losing weight and, most importantly, changing the way I think is the first step for me. I'm fully aware that the problems with excess weight often mask more serious, underlying issues, so I hope that by tackling this head on - by sorting the one thing that's undeniably at the heart of so many of my fears - I'll be able to find the real problems and sort them out too. I'm under no illusions that losing weight will magically make me confident, and I know it'll take a lot more work than that, but it's a step in the right direction.

It's because of this that I've decided to completely change my lifestyle from today. Every Tuesday I shall be blogging about my week and updating everyone on how I'm getting on. I've tried in the past to get healthy on my own and it just doesn't work for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt I have the willpower to follow a weight loss and exercise programme, but I'm only just starting to accept that I need support whilst doing it. It's so easy to fall off the wagon when no-one knows you're doing it in the first place, but I don't want that to happen this time. My friends have always - without exception - been there for me when life gets tough, so why should now be any different?

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.facebook.com/ELLEuk)

After careful consideration with my GP, I've decided to do the LighterLife programme once more. I've done it a couple of times, most successfully for 4 months on my gap year when I lost 4 stone. With minimal distractions I can take to the programme really well: it's a VLCD and on the Total version of the programme you basically have four food packs a day and lots of water. That's it. It sounds tough, and there's no mistaking the fact that it is, but the weight loss is super fast and each week's hour counselling sessions can help get to the bottom of the mental side of weight issues. A few months without conventional food really isn't the end of the world if it means my physical and mental health improve in the long run.

I will be talking about my experiences on the programme and my healthy living journey (although I abhor that word - it makes me sound like a rubbish X Factor contestant with a sob story). To be clear, I am not endorsing LighterLife, nor are they sponsoring me in any way. Everyone has a different experience on the programme, and with weight loss and body issues in general, and this - on my blog - will be mine. The only thing I would recommend - and the only advice I'd feel confident to give - is that if losing weight and/or getting healthy is something you're seriously considering then go and see your GP and discuss what's right, and safest, for you. It doesn't matter what you decide to do, as long as it's healthy and you have the right support.

(IMAGE SOURCED FROM www.facebook.com/ELLEuk)

So, that's my plan! If you're interested in my weight loss journey then pop back here every Tuesday, or follow me on Twitter where I'll be updating throughout the week.

At the moment I'm trying to decide on rewards… I need something to look forward to at each weight loss goal, so I'm trying to think of little special things I can treat myself to. Ideas on the back of a postcard please! (or just comment below, either's fine!)